History 102: Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was the thirty-second President of the United States. Serving a staggering twelve years in office, Roosevelt is the longest reigning president in the country’s history. His administration was ingenuous and rallied the suffering nation’s spirits better than any other candidate of the day. It was Roosevelt’s rigorous New Deal which helped to pull the United States out of the Great Depression. It was his double-barreled Remington which opened the banks.

As a lawyer, Roosevelt held an impressive court record; he never lost a single case. His time at Columbia Law School had given him prominent regulation skills, but his youth in the streets of New York provided him with an indomitable vivacity. Each time his case seemed on the brink of destruction, he would miraculously pull his double-barreled Remington shotgun from his tote bag and blast the opposing attorney dead. When asked to explain his actions, Roosevelt would slyly say, “Your honor, with no defense, what is the point of proceeding?” Old Faithful, the natural geyser in Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming, is named after Roosevelt’s “most trusted resource”.

It was his cousin Theodore Roosevelt whose name christens the Teddy Bear, but it was Franklin who incorporated the toy into the American mainstream. Another useful tactic in the courtroom, Roosevelt would hurl Teddy Bears at witnesses who were not cooperating accordingly. The dolls were more often than not weighted with bricks.

Possessing many different abilities, Roosevelt was able to transform lead into gold, breathe fire, and recite the epic poem “Beowulf” in its entirety, forward as well as backward, in the traditional Old English. His most famous display of power came in 1933, when the Business Plot was formulated, an unsuccessful coup assembled by many wealthy businessmen to overthrow his administration; citing the imminent threat of a dictatorship, they sought retribution at the Veterans of Foreign War Convention of 1934.

It was Prescott Bush, father to future President George H. W. Bush, who was to be appointed as leader of the operation, but matters never got underway. Roosevelt had been overseeing their progress in his castle atop Whiteface Mountain in his native New York, spying on their every move through his crystal ball. The night before their strike on the White House, Roosevelt telekinetically transported into their headquarters and vaporized their resources with his heat vision.

Upon the United States’ plunge into World War II, Roosevelt gained Winston Churchill and Joseph Stalin’s esteem by utilizing his masterful skills of intimidation. On November 28, 1943, he forced them to watch as he wrestled and killed a Kodiak bear with his bear hands on the lawn of the Iranian conference. Later that night at the Tripartite Dinner Meeting, Roosevelt ate a live bulldog with a bicycle chain and a rusty fish knife.

“You simply could not overlook the symbolism in his act,” Churchill said.

Stalin was less eloquent – “I kill thousands of people every day, but this man…he has my respect.”

Roosevelt did not die of heart failure in 1945, as the international press would falsely report, but left this planet to rule Rhea, one of the planet Saturn’s many moons.