They've finally driven me to it. I haven't had to do this in a long, long time. But goddammit, they've left me no other option.
Are you ready?
I'm showing teeth now, mother fucker. So you better be ready.
Here it comes:
There is a short film of a particular nature that's been floating around the You Tubes that has me steaming mad. This short film's subject is one that has been near and dear to me for most of my life - a pedigree, if you will. As an adult, I never thought I would see such a blatant disrespect for something so iconoclastic. But there it was: Mortal Kombat.
At first, of course, I was ecstatic: 'A new Mortal Kombat movie? For realsies?' But my anticipation soon turned to sour grapes. As the short film unfolded I soon realized that this "Mortal Kombat" was trying to bring my favorite childhood fantasy into the real world.
The extra-dimensional mutant savage Baraka has been explained away as a homocidal plastic surgeon...who just happens to know a few deadly martial arts.
Shang Tsung (the evil wizard and master of the Mortal Kombat tournament) is an arms dealer, and his personal body-guard Reptile (who is also an extra-dimensional being, only scalier) happens to have a rare skin disease and a taste for human flesh. Like fucking Killer Croc from Batman.
I know. I was stupified, too.
Johnny Cage is Johnny Cage. And he dies like the bitch that he always was in the game.
(Except for the ball-breaker (BL+LP). One should never forget the ball-breaker (BL+LP).)
Jax is the captain of the local police department; Sonya Blade is a federal agent sent in on special assignment.
That isn't so bad actually. That makes sense.
But why?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHO THEY WERE IN THE GAMES, TOO!
SHIT!
But anyway.
My heart was in my throat toward the end because this well-produced raping of my childhood had yet to touch on my favoritest of favorites: the spectral ninja-assasin Scorpion.
Decked out in yellow with a temper to match Hell, Scorpion has been one of the totems of my life. (This is aboslutely true, as a matter of fact. He is backed up in the fictional category by the Wolf-Man, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, the Incredible Hulk, Wolverine, Jesus Christ, Mickey O'Neil, the Frog Prince, Huey Freeman, Homer Simpson, the Tick, Batman, the Predator, Raul Duke, Tarzan, and Mr. Hyde.) My inherent interest in the character was predestined, I believe. In 1992, me being seven years old and already being so full of such ghoulish pretenses growing up on old horror movies, a ghost ninja who breathes fire as a means of killing your ass was mana from heaven. Mortal Kombat's ground-breaking graphics made the package extra sweet - it was like you were directing real people!
This may seem over-wrought, but I'm serious when I say I was worried someone new would butcher something I've invested so much of my time and emotions in.
(Author's Note: For those who need clarification on this matter, need I remind everyone that I broke into uncontrollable tears for a solid ten minutes after seeing the 2010 version of The Wolf-Man?)
When the short film comes to its conclusion, my man Scorpion is finally addressed.
Good news: he happened to be wearing yellow through the whole clip.
Good news: his spear attack is still in-tact and playing fairly well in the "real world".
Good news: he and Sub-Zero (yes - Sub-Zero is here, too) still have a blood-fued.
Good news: he's still dead.
Who would of thought that the powers-that-be would sink so low as to deter my distaste for something so loathesome by hitting a money-shot on the sole factor of my interest?! This made me even more upset, and here I am now.
Co-creator of Mortal Kombat franchise Ed Boon once said in an interview that people play Mortal Kombat in order to escape from reality: "Our motto will, and is always: reality is boring." That's verbatum, as you can probably tell.
Money needs to be made. Movies need to be made to make that money. Dreams need to die so that movies can be made in order to make money.
I understand this.
But what I can't understand is why someone had to pick on something I care about so much that I would actually have to unleash my inner geek in order to vindicate my thoughts, allowing myself to finally consider the matter closed!!!!!
And that, as Richard Nixon would say, is that.
2 comments:
The only reason Mortal Kombat became popular was because of the violence. Otherwise, it would have just been another fighting game trying to be the next Street Fighter II.
The franchise hasn't been very profitable in recent years, leading to Midway picking up the license to DC characters. Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe was just an average fighting game. Many of the fans griped about the lack of violence (b/c you can't go and rip off Batman's head and all).
Now they are hoping fans will bite into nostalgia by bringing back Mortal Kombat in 2011. They are bringing back the 2D gameplay (keeping the graphics in 3D) and they are of course... bringing back the violence the series has been known for.
The game looks pretty decent and I hope it turns out well. This is the best time to step in while fighting games are still somewhat popular (Street Fighter 4, Vs. Capcom series, Tekken, Soul Calibur, BlazBlue, etc.).
The films have been awful. First of all, why make a film based off of a fighting game? There are too many characters to cover and one or more of them gets the shaft and dies or doesn't get enough screen time. Also, who played Mortal Kombat for the story? NOBODY! It's a fighting game and the story in almost every fighting game seems tacked on.
Mortal Kombat Ribirth is what needs to happen if they want to make a full length film. Change characters and their origins to make them seem more interesting. Don't make everyone wear the same costume (with palette swaps) and say they are different characters. Many people happened to enjoy the short film and there is a reason for that: it looks fresh.
Just let it happen. It's not like Mortal Kombat can get much worse. I mean, they don't have a kart racer for it yet. Oh wait:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKsPisviAWI
No.
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