January 28, 2009

The peanut planters are trying to get back at America for kicking Jimmy Carter out of the White House and letting Ronald Reagan in to destroy the middle class. As the past few months' salmonella scare have proven, the industry's scheme is now out in the open. When asked about their actions, Atlanta peanut farmer Michael Wheatfield said, "I ain't saying nothin'. But I will say this: them chickens have come to roost."

In 1980, president Jimmy Carter was upset by California governor and former movie star Ronald Reagan in an election race that sparred neck in neck until the final debate. After both parties' feelings were reconciled (the governor's crack about "George Washington Carter over here" being explained as a historical pun and not a derogatory remark about the president's former profession; and Carter's accusations of beastiality toward Reagan's former co-star Bonzo being dismissed as the "drunken jests of a very sad man"), Reagan clinched the vote with his historical down-play of Carter's health insruance policy: "There you go again." *
The charm of the former chair of the Screen Actor's Guilde was enough to beat out a wimp president during a hostage situation, whose policies were seen as mere pipe dreams instead of obtainable objectives, and whose southern lisp was responsible for 37% of American suicides from 1976 to 1979. In the end, the actor won; and he played his part of President of the United States very well. He had us all convinced. But this perpetual picture show stole our attention from the plot that was brewing in the darkened rooms of food-stuffs offices around the country: the peanuteers would have their revenge.

*A quick aside: Vice-President candidate Sarah Palin would famously try and fail to use President Reagan's famous one-liner in a televised debate with Joe Biden in 2008. Aftwerwards, here handlers sprayed her with a water bottle after locking her in her kennel without supper, repeatidly hissing, "No! No!"

Twenty eight years later, the conspiring minds of the Peanut Corporation of America are back with a vengeance. They tried dropping subtle hints over the years. One is hard-pressed to forget the over-looked but engaging television commercial during Super Bowl MXXXXLVIX: a child sits at an empty table looking sadly at an empty plate. The camera pulls out to reveal an empty kitchen, two sets of fallen legs visible from behind an island counter. A caption disolves into the the foreground: "Should have voted for Jimmy Carter." Upon opening weekend of the blockbuster film Titanic (1998), the PCA ran a puzzling adertisement immediately following the coming attraction previews, just before the actual movie: seven seconds of blank, black screen. Slowly, Mr. Peanut is revealed as a dim spot-light grows around his oblonged figure. He is holding a .22 caliber rifle, scowling and pointing a vicious finger at the camera. His image disappears and the words "Soon" trail across the screen slowly. No one seemed to pick up on it. In an interview for the Associated Press, PCA chairman Ron Gentry said of the controversial commercial, "I don't know what you mean. Planter's is another company all together, wholly independent of the PCA." He blithely gave a wink to the camera. "I suggest you take it up with them."

After the initial reports of salmonella poisoning, victims were flocked with requests for interviews. Victim Jerry Caiafa refused to talk to reporters inquiring about his recent out-of-court settlement with the PCA. "I ain't saying I did," he said, "and I ain't saying I didn't. I'm just saying I ain't got no reason to cooperate with them bastards. Hell - I'm allergic to peanuts, for Christ's sake!" Ciafa's checking account had swelled to $3 million dollars after he made the most public complaint about his affliction. His recent repulsion of all accusations or prejudice was a hot issue amongst pundits and broadcasters. "I didn't take no hand-outs from nobody," he told Larry King this last Tuesday, appearing in a suit made of solid gold. "All I got I got'st on my own account."

Ciafa's story is an interesting development in the case conspiracy theorists are calling "the greatest cover-up since the Kenndedy assassination." If the Peanut Corporation of America is really trying to poison a nation for posioning itself, why would it go to such great lenghts to quiet a voice attesting so loudly to its responsibility? Annalyst Ken Grossman of the National Research Facility at the Salt Lake College of Fine Arts and Sciences of Geothermal Research and Technologies told Newsweek that "it only makes sense." The New York Times received time with former president Jimmy Carter at his seasonal home in the Great Apes house of the Brooklyn Zoo to gain his thoughts on the manner. Senior correspondent Nikki Rambo asked former president Carter, "Yes or no, sir - is there a correlation between the recent salmonella outbreak and the PCA's famous 'We'll see you in hell' campaign of 1981?" Carter merely touched his finger to his nose without saying a word. After the cameras were off, he politely asked for a bloody mary, adding slyly, "Make it a bitch."

Is there a price on America's head? Did the Peanut Corporation of America put it there? Did Steven Prefontaine win all of his races because of peanut butter's duel factors of high calories and protein? Only time will tell. All the nation can do is wait and hope beyond hope. In these trying times, one cannot help but remember the last few words of Shakespeare's King Lear: "You do me wrong to take me out o' the grave" (4.7.45). Do we deserve this? Is America a stumbling buffoon who would simply do better to be put out of its misery? Could we possibly recover? Only time will tell.